One of the most powerful body language tools that a human being has is one of the subtlest movements we can make – eye contact. The energy it takes to shift your eyes from one place to another or lock your eyes in place with another person’s eye is little to none. It can be effortless or can be as fast as a blink of an eye; yet, it shows a lot about one’s character.

Traditionally speaking, eye contact is more prevalent in western cultures. For example, in America, it is a sign of respect when one makes direct eye contact when talking to an superior person such a boss or the president, while in Japan or China, it would be a sign of disrespect if one were to look directly at a superior in the eye such as the emperor or even, in some common cases, an elderly person.

People who have grown up in western cultures have learned to use eye contact as a sign of being friendly, polite, acknowledging one’s presence, while people who eastern cultures are more cautious of how eye contact is use. Stereotypically and traditionally speaking, you will see more westerners use eye contact while easterners will tend to shy away from it and not use eye contact as much.

However, as times are changing fast and the meaning behind eye contact is now being universalized. Eye contact nowadays, isn’t as dependent on the cultural upbringings as it once used to, and more or less,  just depends on the type of person they are or the person’s personality.

Even though there can cultural differences in eye contact, eye contact is one the most basic, fundamental traits of human beings. That is to say that everybody, whether you are from Los Angeles, California to Taipei, Taiwan, understands, to some extent, what eye contact means on a fundamental level. Here are some examples that I thought of that most people can relate to.

Looking Away from Somebody

This happens to everybody every single day out in public. Two people are within the proximity of 10 feet of each other. One person will look at the other person, until he or she is caught. Then immediately the person who is caught will look away. They might look up, down, or something that’s not even there just to escape being looked at again. Then, when the other person looks away, this person who was caught might look back at them.

Even though both people here do not make eye contact with each other, but both people definitely feel that the other person is looking at them. The presence is there, even though nothing is being said. This is socially acceptable when one is just passing by for a moment or will be gone in a couple of minutes. It’s not that bad.

But when stuck in the same room (such as a classroom) where you are in front of a person, then looking back and forth will cause awkward tension. The key to breaking this tension when in this condition is basically starting up a conversation, even if it’s about nothing, because it is better than having awkward eye contact games.

Staring at Someone

When one makes eye contact and stares at someone, this could be deadly body language. It also really depends on who is in play here. If a man stares at a woman, this might really creep her out. She will most likely feel the need to leave. If a man stares at another man, the man who is being stared at might feel “threatened” and stare back at the first man, resulting in a staring down contest. This usually brings out unwanted tension which might break out into a fight.

Try not to stare at someone because it may come off rude, inappropriate, and even cause friction between you to. However, if you know them pretty well, such as two lovers staring back at each other for fun, then go for it.

Making Eye Contact and Smiling

Not a lot of people can pull this off because they are shy or do want to risk the feeling of not being looked back. However eye contact plus smile shows the sign of a confident person, but most importantly, it sends out a energetic, positive vibe, to the person who receives this on the other end. They will really have no choice but to make eye contact back and smile back, and if they do, usually you guys will start out on good terms.

Making Eye Contact while Talking

Not talking while making eye contact is weird in my opinion. But making eye contact while talking shows confidence and a sense of release in tension. Also, while talking to another person, people don’t like it when the other person looks away or doesn’t look back at them. It sort of a sign of disrespect and sure won’t land you a good score at that job interview.

So, while holding eye contact with a person, talk to them. You also build a more intimate relationship with them ranging anywhere from dating, building a bond between friendships, or involving yourself with people at work.

Here Are Ten Random Tips on Eye Contact

1. If you’re going to talk to somebody for the first time, be sure to make eye contact from the start.

2. Looking at a person’s eyes, with a dose of friendliness shows a sign of trust and sincerity.

3. Looking a person’s eyes means that you’re giving them your undivided attention and showing them that you respect them at some level, and if you were talking to them, you would want them same kind of attention and respect back as well.

4. Don’t hold eye contact for too long as it might creep someone out or make them feel uncomfortable. Look away from time to time, even if it’s at the nearest wall, to make communication seem more natural.

5. If you’re shy and have a hard time holding eye contact with somebody, a trick to do is to look at their nose or mouth while they are speaking.

6. Showing eye contact means you are also showing interest in the person, which can build into rapport and form a strong relationship quickly.

7. Don’t stare at someone that you don’t know if you don’t intend to talk to them.

8. You can tell if a person is lying from their eye contact because it is harder to lie and look at somebody straight in the eyes.

9. You can also distinguish what kind of person they are from their eye contact – shy, confident, aggressive, cocky?

10. Finally, this is twofold, but if you wish to talk to somebody you don’t know, glancing at them first and waiting for them to acknowledge you with their glance will show that you are interested in talking to them. They will feel this and if they are relaxed about it, it would make access to going up to them more comfortable to doing something like saying, “Hi!”

In conclusion for today, I hope this post opens up your perspective on something that may seem oblivious to us in our day to day lives. Eye contact  is something that is regarded as important tool for building good relationships with people, as subtle as it may seen. I know for some people, eye contact may be hard to do, but if you add in a smile, and start a friendly conversation, those components add up to a person who is confident, sincere, and attractive. So next time you’re out and about, practice your eye contact. By doing it so much, you won’t even notice it as it will come out as natural habit.

Photo Credit: Schantzilla

I was at an orange juice shop last week (a place where they sell fruit drinks) and it was my first time there. I was in a light mood, so I randomly started a conversation with the cashier saying I didn’t want any sugar in my strawberry slushee in which she replied, “Are you sure? It won’t taste as well.” The cashier basically implied that it was going to taste gross (which it did) but I was okay with it since I only enjoy 100% natural fruit (I’m weird like that).

Next to me were standing two ladies about in their 40’s who I didn’t know. So I asked them if the drink was going to be weird, they laughed and agreed. I then asked the shorter one of them, how was her drink and she said it was very delicious. Somehow, a random question turned into a random conversation on really nothing, but it was definitely a daytime mood booster for all of us.

I said bye and walked away and within 5 minutes, the person who I asked approached me and ask if we could meet up sometime in the near future. Her name was Cathy and was studying at a nearby school to be a teacher. I had never had a friend that was 40, so I thought it would be interesting to learn about somebody wiser than me. I left her my email.

The first time we met, we had noodles together. I didn’t know who should pay. But she said she would so I let her.

The second time we had fish together, and I didn’t know who should pay. This time I said I would, and she let me.

The third time, which was today, we had pizza together and I didn’t know who should pay. When I asked, she said, “Let’s go Dutch?” “Go Dutch?”

She couldn’t believe that I didn’t know what that meant and thought I was pretending. She threatened me that she was going to pay the whole bill if I didn’t know. Jokingly, I said I wouldn’t have allowed that to happen. So I took a guess, and from the context of sentence, and the first and second time we had meant, I asked her if I met was splitting the bill. I was correct and so we did. It was a great time.

Now when I think about it, it’s sort of weird that we have some random slang terms in our English language, and ironically, “Going Dutch” has nothing to do with English people, but with Dutch people.

The term “Going Dutch” does mean to pay for oneself and that derived from an ungenerous or selfish stereotype that Dutch like to pay for themselves, as opposed to someone who would pay for the whole bill.

It’s pretty funny now I know what it means. Yet, me and Catchy seemed to handle the bills nicely with no complaints or arguments. And often times, people do get stuck with who is the one who pays the bill?

You? Me? Or Split?

Here’s my take. In most cultures, it is very common for the guy to pay for the girl. But I think this is definitely an overstatement. I asked one of my coworkers today about it and she disagreed with the idea that guys should always pay because she is the one that is eating the food. She told me that many guys have a need to show that they can pay, that they want to be the “hero.”

I used to be anxious when that very “moment” came up and was always indecisive about it. Now, it’s not that big of a deal to me.

I think many guys fall into the trap of if they pay for the girl, they will be able to earn their attraction. Guys probably think, “Yeah, I’m paying for her. She’ll probably dig me more.” While girls probably think, “Oh. That’s generous that he’s paying for me.” Sometimes guys take it too and make it awkward if they always want to pay.

I’m sure you’ve met a couple of guys that do this. It’s actually pretty common not only in eating out, but in general courtship. The “manly” or “power” factor comes in. They think that always doing so is a more macho act, when it fact, it’s usually because they are insecure of themselves and have to use alternate methods of I guess you can say, “Buying the girl.” This might lead to minor conflict or at the very least, if guys keep doing this, girls can smell a sign of desperation which is makes things more uncomfortable.

“I’ll pay for this.”

“No, no it’s okay.”

“Really, it’s okay. I’ll pay… don’t worry.”

“Oh it’s okay, you paid last time.”

“Here, just give me the check. I insist.”

“Okay… if you really want to.”

Awkward pause.

And afterwards, the relationship becomes what the pause is – awkward.

The key to solving this issue in my opinion is this.

Don’t worry about who pays!

You pay, I pay, or let’s go Dutch. It doesn’t really matter! Don’t make things uncomfortable by obsessing over who pays. If you want to pay, go for it. If she doesn’t let you, let her pay. If both of you guys agree to pay separately, then let it be. It’s not that big of a deal. The entire process should take no more than 10 seconds to decide who pays and a simple nod saying, “Thanks, I got it next time,” is all that is really needed.

Remember, eating out isn’t about who pays; it’s about your interaction and getting to know the other person. If you already gotten a chance to privately getting the person to lunch, or dinner, or wherever the place you guys end up, and have build a positive rapport thus so far with them, worrying about who pays should be the last thing on your mind. The first thing should be building a relationship with them. That’s why they asked you out or you ask them out in the first place.

From question to conversation to eating out, I’m glad to have met Cathy because she is such a nice, interesting person who is so down-to-earth on who pays. So, next time you’re out with somebody, whether it is with your friend, a date, or somebody you just met in public, don’t stress over who pays. Worry about getting to know the person better, not getting to know the bill better.

Photo Credit: Shlabotnik

Life is like a stage. In some way, shape, or form, we are all people with masks playing the roles of actors. And at some point, we can all get some “stage fright” as we perform in front of other people. This analogy can be compared to having “social anxiety” in any real life situation.

I’m sure you have gone through some of these experiences such as being called on in class and not knowing the answer, eating something while others are looking at you, or going through a painful job interview where you are making up answers on the spot. I know; it gives me the chills too. All of these situations cause social anxiety even before we step on that stage. And as you can see, some deal with us participating while others deal with just being observed. Here are just some examples, from very high types of social anxiety to lower types of society anxiety.

Very High

• Giving a business presentation in group meeting
• Being in an job interview with a group of professional interviewers
• Giving a formal speech in front of a large audience
• Performing on stage in front of hundreds of thousands of people

High

• Calling somebody on the phone you don’t know well
• Starting a conversation with a stranger
• Going on a date with somebody you like
• Going to a party where there will be lots of people

Medium

• Returning something back to the store you just bought
• Trying to politely escape from an effective sales person
• Showing disagreement with somebody in public
• Speaking to an authority figure like your professor or your boss

Low

• Eating food while others watch you
• Trying on clothes at the mall while people wait for you
• Being sung happy birthday to by a group of friends
• Being called on in class and not knowing the answer

Do you see something common in all these situations however? It feels like all of these scenarios deal with one common thing, and that is how we react to being evaluated by others.Social anxiety, in another way, can also be referred to evaluation anxiety because our anxiety is rooted from how we feel others are evaluating us like your boss, your friends, or even your date sitting across from you at the table.

It is common to feel scared, nervous, shy, or embarrassed in front of a social atmosphere and this is what we call social anxiety. And before we find out ways to get rid of these anxious feelings, let’s identify these feelings first so we know what we are going through. Most social anxiety experiences fall into categories. Here are some examples.

Think Negatively About What Will Happen When Nothing Has Even Happened Yet

• “Oh no… she probably won’t like the way I dress.”
• “What was I thinking wearing this today?”
• “I didn’t prepare. I’m going to mess up this speech.”
• “My friends are going to think I’m weird for doing this.”

A Change in Symptoms of the Body

• Sweaty palms
• Increased heart rate
• Faster breathing
• Muscle tension

An Urgency or Wanting to Escape the Situation to Go Back into Comfort Zone

• “How can I get out of here”
• “Maybe I can do this tomorrow?”
• “Where is my exit if I fail?”
• “I should make a better plan before I do this”

Unpleasant Feelings Overall

• Nervousness
• Hopelessness
• Depression
• Paralyzed

So how can we get rid of social anxiety so we can do what we want and be happy?

Good question. Let’s go through four steps that can help us alleviate this situation.

1. Image is important but people who overly obsess over their self-image will be more self-conscious about themselves, thus produce high social anxiety. One must realize that image isn’t everything and most people are not as evaluating you as much as it seems. It is mostly happening in the mind.

To deal with this, concentrate on other people’s reactions rather than worry about your own. This way, your attention will be focused on something else and you will not feel so self-conscious. Instead of worry about your self-image, find out what you can about the other person. Have this mentality in mind and you’ll actually build a better relationship with other people as well as making the situation more comfortable.

2. Some people feel the need to being approved by other people. If they are not approved by other people, they might feel threatened and anxious at the same time. They fear disapproved. Realize that you don’t always need approval from other people. The only person you need approval for is yourself. If you can approve yourself, that you are a worthy person despite what other people think, than you will go out about the world with bold confidence.

Lower the importance of what other people think of you and you’ll find it easier to interact with other people, because their opinion of you isn’t that big of a deal. This just means to be indifferent to how other people view you; it doesn’t mean be arrogant or smug. So keep that mind. You don’t need approval from other people. This will help you raise your self-esteem as well.

3. Some people have social anxiety because they are not skilled at communication and thus think that whatever they say will leave a negative impression on others. Without even trying, these people already know what their future will look like.

In a state of anxiety, most people will let their negative feelings do them thinking for them. Although it is easy to let this type negativity in, try your best to focus on a positive scenario. Visualize any experience that you feel anxious of beforehand and visualize it going right. Feel the positive feelings of excitement people, others cheering you on, or finding a way to make fun of yourself and giving other people a good laugh to brighten the mood. This will help you motivate you to take action.

4. Finally, speaking of action, it takes action. You will not cure anxiety if you sit there and worry about social anxiety. But it’s not that bad! You’ve already learned helpful things from the first three tips, now it takes experience to get over social anxiety.

Everybody feels types when they start to do something out of their comfort zone. Do you think skilled people were always skilled before being so confident? Most likely not. They developed skill through practice by being social and thus social anxiety is easily handled because they are able to communicate with other people effectively. But getting to this point didn’t come as a gift; it took observing others, evaluating one talk and reactions of others, but mostly just constantly doing and practicing. Once one has performed enough social interactions, the social stage will no longer be something that causes anxiety, but excitement.

Remember, life can be compared to as an act and understanding that in any social situation where we are confronted by people we don’t know we will have to start “acting” out the parts. It might give us the creeps or the chills at first, but that’s all part of our individual performance – to excite the crowd and to gain experience in the meantime.  As Shakespeare once said, “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and their entrances And one man in his time plays many parts….”

Put less emphasis on the everyday social outcomes. They will most likely be forgotten in a year or so. And put less emphasis and on your self-image as well, and more emphases on focusing on getting to genuinely get know the other person better. Prepare through visualization, relax, and if things start to struggle, just take the smallest steps possible in the beginning, and then let your actions guide you towards a consistent practice. This will ultimately give you the experience and skill that will acquire to help you get rid of social anxiety. You can do it.

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