There are times where we go through the day without realizing the thoughts that are coming in our minds. Some of them are good, some of them cause us to procrastinate a lot, and some of them cause us pain. When we are not aware of these thoughts, they can turn into an obsession.
For example, you may experience a painful breakup and keep having obsessive thoughts over your ex boyfriend or girlfriend. Or, you may see a foreclosure sign as you are passing through the neighborhood and you may have obsessive thoughts of not being able to pay your rent bills. As you are walking late at night in the dark, you may have obsessive thoughts of being attacked in the street. All of these things make life harder than it really has to be.
As human being, we don’t know it, but we are often controlled by our thoughts – whether good or bad. Specific thoughts or images that are constantly repeated can lead painful or leading to unpleasant emotional states. Being in a negative state doesn’t do anything to help the problem, it just worsens the situation.
In the late 1960s, behavior therapist Joseph Wolpe came up set ways to treat people with obsessive and phobic thoughts using a therapy called “thought stopping.” It is still used today as a way to cure one of obsessive and unwanted thoughts that can help one get through their day with little to none anxiety and worry. Let’s look at the steps to how we can stop our unwanted thoughts.
Step 1: List Unwanted Thoughts
The first step is to get a white piece of paper. Next, write down a list of general things that worry you and perhaps can cause an unhealthy obsession. These could be subtle habits that you have throughout the day or things that have happened to you in the past that you constantly think about and cannot stop. Some common things are:
- Worrying whether or not there are germs nearby your body….
- Worrying whether or not your loved ones are safe after midnight…
- Worrying whether or not you can get your ex back after a breakup…
- Worrying whether or not you will be able to pay your bills this month…
- Worrying whether or not turned off the stove this morning…
Once you have brainstormed some of the things that you generally worry about, the next step is to describe your thoughts specifically. Create “the scene” and create “the thought” that comes after. For example:
- Feeling the presence of germs nearby… I might need to go wash my hands again…
- Waiting an hour more for lover to arrive home… they might have been injured…
- Thinking about what my ex is doing… they might be out with somebody else…
- Seeing a huge rent bill in the mail… I might kicked out of apartment…
- Driving away from house without checking stove… the house might burn down….
Step 2: List Pleasant Thoughts
After you have done step 1, you need to do the same thing now with “pleasant thoughts” because you’ll be using both for this process. Think of some things that have nothing to do with “unwanted thoughts” – things that you may enjoy. For example:
- Nature
- Vacation
- Awards
- Sports
- Love
Next create “the scene” and “the thought” that comes after it.
- Fishing in a lake… what kind of fish will I catch today…
- Laying down on the sandy beach… I wonder how much sand is there on this beach…
- Receiving an award… who else before me has received this award…
- Watching a sports game… I wonder who’s going to win the game…
- Sitting next to a lover… I wish this can last forever…
Step 3: Go Through Your Thoughts
Now you have both done – great. Find a comfortable place to sit down. Put paper 1 (“unwanted thoughts list”) in front of you and put paper 2 (“pleasant thoughts list”) underneath it. Go through the list of “unwanted thoughts” and select one scenario. You might start with something that doesn’t give you as much anxiety, then work up to something bigger.
Since I’m not going to list all five, I’ve chosen the one that would give me the most anxiety – the thought of accidentally leaving the stove on every time I leave the house. I would sit down and play this scenario through.
I am driving on the freeway and I suddenly remember that I might have left the stove on. Suddenly, I think that there might be steam rising to the roof which could lead to a small fire. The alarm goes off and the neighbors call 911….
Step 4: Interruption
Once you feel like you are in a deep training of thought, it’s time to tell yourself to stop.
The alarm goes off and the neighbors call 911… The house seems to be burning… It is burning! I start to hear the sirens of police and firemen coming! The neighbors start crowding outside! People are running outside! I hear talking… I hear yelling… I hear screaming! I hear… “Stop!”
And that’s when you snap out of your thought. You yell, very loudly, “Stop!” As you are yelling, you can simultaneously clap your hands or snap your fingers for a more intense effect. Once you hear this signal, empty your mind. There’s nothing now – no more fire. Focus on nothing.
Step 5: Switch to Pleasant Thoughts
Good job on passing steps 1 through 4. Now, with what you just did, you would do the same exact thing with a “pleasant thought.” Take a deep breath. And envision yourself going through something that you love doing.
It’s a nice and sunny day outside. I can feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. I’m sailing on a boat in the middle of crystal clear, shallow lake. There are fish swimming all around me as I hold my fishing rod in one hand and take a sip of ice-cold water in the next hand. Suddenly, I feel tension… I have never caught a fish before and this one seems big…! I pull but it’s pulling too… and… and… and… “Stop!”
Break out of it. I know it’s hard to do but snap out of it. Empty your mind. There’s nothing now – no more fish. Focus on nothing.
Step 6: Repeat with Variation
So once you have done the simplest ones, try moving to the next one. Go back and forth from the easier ones to the more difficult scenes. Once you have succeeded with the “loud voice,” begin interrupting your thoughts using a “normal voice.” After succeeding with a “normal voice,” you can start using stop in a “whisper voice.” After you have done it through “whisper voice,” say stop “without making a sound.”Master this process all in your head without having to yell “Stop” out loud.
Step 7: Applying It to The Real World
When you have mastered this in your private state, it’s time to practice this out in the real world. This is why you have gone through steps 1 through 6 in order to get to a point where you can yell “stop” in your head and not have to yell out loud where it can be a disruption to other people.
Also, instead of clapping or snapping at random (as this may look embarrassing), you may want to prepare a rubber band to tie around your wrist. Snapping it will have the same effect. If you don’t like the idea of rubber bands, pinching yourself can also work. And basically, whenever you think of a thought that you don’t want, just yell “Stop” in your head while applying the “snap” or “pinch”. If you get good enough after practice, just saying it once should allow your mind to obey you.
Remember, stopping obsessive thoughts takes time. They will return and you will constantly have to stop them again and again. Don’t give up though; with time, they will return less and less often. Before you know it, they won’t bother you again. Additionally, you can also combine the stop method with breathing. Whenever you yell “Stop” take one breath and exhale. Keep breathing and count them a few times. Focus on your breath while you’re emptying your mind, and you should feel your anxiety pass you by.
Whether it’s a normal day where you randomly think about something that you know is meaningless, or it’s a certain day where you feel that a lot of anxiety is causing you function irrationally, thought stopping can help you save lots of time wasted on thoughts that result in negative emotional states. Just set aside ten to twenty minutes a day to go through visualizing and thought stopping process, and before you know it, you’ll have a skill that will be with you whenever you need to free yourself from unwanted thoughts.
photo credit: SOPHIA SCALPEL
{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
I have found that the most persistent negative thoughts have been about break ups with ex-girlfriends. As time goes by they become less, but they still just suddenly pop up during quiet times such as before going to sleep at night.
Thank you for such great advice for me to try, Hulbert!
Lee thanks for great posting. You have mentioned very good steps to stop unwanted thoughts; our brain has really made complex functionality towards the every action which is happening to us.
Actually we can not stop the unwanted thoughts which are coming to our brain; just we have to divert the affection to the other way.
Thousands of thoughts can come in to brain in a minute in which 50% can be unwanted. Need a good control to your mind to stabilize them.
Hey Hulbert,
That’s an intruiging and a very clear process by which to shift the focus of a dominant thought pattern into something refreshing. I like!
@ Gordie – Oh I totally agree with that. Thinking about our ex’s is definitely something that can constantly creep in and out of our thoughts if don’t control it. Your welcome and I hope it works for you.
@ Chris – Like you say, diverting thoughts is another way to control your mind in a more positive manner. Thanks for sharing this with us.
@ Amit – I’m glad you like the article!
Brilliant article – this is really really helpful. Good job!
Thanks Jacqui. I’m glad you found it helpful.
Hi Hulbert,
Thank you for this valuable post. Although I don’t get too obsessive with my thoughts, there have been times when I’ve had to tell myself to snap out of it and let it go. I’ve also learned to ask myself, “what’s the worse thing that can happen if…”, and that has helped me to concentrate on the positives instead of dwelling on the negatives.
Hi Barbara, welcome. I think that’s great that you don’t dwell on your thoughts. This article was intended more for people who sometimes obsess over their thoughts when they experience a lot of anxiety. “What’s the worse thing that can happen if…” is also another good way of shifting negative thoughts to positive ones. Thank you for this.
Hi Hulbert,
Oh boy, this is something that I can relate to. I used to have such worries that I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night. I didn’t know what to do. So I started to play out the scenario in my head. When I would think What If…I would then say to myself, OK, if that happens, what’s the worst thing that could happen next. Then I would kind off play out in my head what I would do. Then from there I had a mantra that I would silently repeat to myself over and over while trying to go to sleep “no matter what happens I will be able to handle it” over and over again. Finally I would fall asleep. Pretty soon I was falling asleep faster and faster and eventually I didn’t need to go through that ritual at all.
This past January, almost a year ago one of my worst fears came true. My husband got laid off, with no savings in the bank. We are making it through, one step at a time. Now when I worry about the rent not getting paid I remind myself that it has gotten paid every month so far, so I have no reason to believe it won’t get paid this month.
I’ve learned that no amount of worrying about what might happen can prepare you for when it actually does happen. I’ve also learned that actually living through something is easier than worrying about it. That’s not to say that it wasn’t scary or hard, just that somehow obsessive worrying is much harder in a different way.
Ok sorry, didn’t mean to write a book! Great topic and great suggestions for working through it!
Hi Hulbert, great ideas here. I remember reading something once that basically said if you play the worst scenario you can imagine over and over in your mind, that it will eventually lose it’s effect. I don’t know if that works or not because by nature I’m not a worrier, but I thought it sounded interesting.
@ Natalia – Heh, it’s okay. I think you just showed a great example of how you were able to handle worries in a “real life” situation with what happened in those days before you were sleeping and worrying about your rental bill when your husband was laid off.
I totally agree with you that although bad things can happen in life which can amount to a lot of worry and anxiety, doing so is not going to help the situation. The faster we can not obsess over those kinds of thoughts and figure out a solution to problem, the less we will feel like we can’t do anything about it. Thank you for stopping by and sharing this story with us.
@ Stephen – What you suggested is thought flooding I think where you flood your minds with the same anxious, worrisome, or fearful thoughts over and over again until they eventually become just another thing and you become used to it. I might write about this later. Thank you for bringing that up.
Hi Hulbert-
What a great post you’ve written here. This will help countless people. I worry about things and then eventually realize the worst someone can say is “no.” And no, doesn’t kill me. Especially if I let it make me stronger! : )
Interesting exercise. We do control our thoughts, our thoughts create our reality. Once we understand that thoughts are not random things that we have no control over we are then positioned to think the thoughts that serve our best interest.
Hi Hulbert,
Great article, interesting process. I’m glad you’re dealing with this important subject.
Compulsive thoughts are quite tricky. When we’re in the middle of it, it seems like it will never be over. I’ve found the trick is to remain in choiceless Awareness, and learn techniques of letting go.
This is an interesting process. I would say we should try anything and everything!
@ Mark – Nicely put. When we know how to use our thoughts, they can serve in our best interest. Thanks for sharing this.
@ Kaushik – That’s pretty interesting in the way that you put it. I agree that being aware of the many choices and letting go of the mentality that we have to pick one can bring us out of our compulsive thoughts. Thanks man.
Hi Hulbert – Thanks for coming by my blog and leaving your comment. You’ve written such a great primer here on stopping obsessive thoughts. I’ve used similar variations of it with clients and with myself, and even though it’s hard to stick with, it truly does make a difference when we do it.
This is obviously sounds similar to OCD and you have focused on compulsive thoughts/unwanted thoughts. Most techniques described here would obviously benefit someone with the mildest form of unwanted thoughts. And these techniques may need to be learnt and practice over time as you have mentioned. Evidently people with intense unwanted thoughts where it becomes a problem and debilitate their day to day activities may obviously need to seek professional help. Great post and thanks for sharing
@ Patty – Thank you Patty. It’s a good feeling that methods similar to these are actually used today as seen from your clients.
@ Fatiboy – Yes, it can be used to treat OCD as well as someone that has mild forms of unwanted thoughts. You’re welcome.
Interesting post, Hulbert. When I’m in a gloomy mood, I find that consistently telling jokes to the people around me usually catapults my positive energy and optimism.
@ Tim – Jokes and humor are always nice too.
The methods you have shared here are effective yet it will need focus and discipline for its mastery. To tell you the truth, I have been applying your principles here in my everyday life. If have had many slips-up and there are many instances that I want to call it off. But I’m aware that its part of my growth, so despite the difficulty, I try my best. Nothing will happen if we confine ourselves to our comfort zone.
Hi Walter, you’re right. It’s something that requires a lot of focus and discipline; otherwise, we will be unaware of the thoughts slipping in. I’m glad you’re at least trying. Eventually, you’ll get better and better at it.
I think the basic first step in overcoming obsessive thoughts is to not resist them. To not view them as something dangerous or harmful or even personal. To gain detachment. They’re just thoughts after all, not events, not actions. After a while, they lose their power to upset, disturb, and one can even start to enjoy them.
Hi nothing profound, yeah that’s another way to think of it. Thanks for sharing this.
Hey
Loved your switching to good thoughts method. You are really doing an inspiring job here. However, when one is thinking negative thoughts it feels hardest, illogical and absurd to think positive thoughts. Imagine one is crying and I tell them to laugh (they will slap me instead).
The thing that works here is finding a better feeling thought (not the best thought on the list).
Feeling Fear/Depression? Find anger. Feeling anger? Find revenge. Feeling revenge? Find frustration. Feeling frustrate? Find Pessimism. Feeling pessimist? Find hope and up the way you go. In fact the moment we find hope it takes not much time to reach all the way up to joy, gratitude, love and appreciation.
Cheers.
I’ve never heard of this and am definitely going to give it a go. I could sure use it right about now in my life and am glad I found your blog.
Hi Hulbert ,
This is satish from India and iam a software engineer. Iam getting very bad unwanted thinkings which is very sevier. Kindly advice me to get rid of these thinkings and i hope these will not lead me to live a health and happy life.
Here are few listings of my thinking’s i usually get.
1. I get thinking’s like iam selling some property for some high valuable money and some one robs my money and iam committing suicide. In reality i don’t have any property in my name so far. I don’t know why iam getting this type of thinking’s, but with the same concept the visual thinking’s are becoming very different ( Something like one day i think of i carry some much of money hot cash in my bag and someone robs me in the railway station, Sometime after getting the money a huge breeze comes and my money flies and gets scatterd and huge crowd surrounded me to get the money. )
I really don’t understand why iam visualize something which is not going to help me in my life in any point of view and will these thinking’s turn reality in my life.
I would be really be great full to you give me any powerful solution to remove all these unwanted thinking’s and turn them to positive thinking’s.
Awaiting for your response.
Regards,
Satish
Hi Satish, have you followed the directions in the article? What I think you should do is stay at home and experience a person robbing you if that’s what you’re afraid of.
Have a rubber band tied around your wrist. When you go through the thoughts that you’re afraid of enough times, practice snapping the rubber band; and when you do, this will indicate that you need to stop thinking. You can do this through another way such as actually saying the word, “Stop!” However, I think a rubber band might be more effective for you.
After you get good at clearing your mind, start doing the procedure again, but after you stop your thoughts, replace them with positive thoughts. I’m not sure what you like to do, but it may be something like spending time laughing and sharing stories with your friends or walking with relatives in a peaceful hike in nature – whatever makes you happy.
Once you get the hang out if doing these thought stopping experiences at home, then you need to actually test it out in public. Whenever you’re in public and you get the thoughts of somebody robbing you, whether it’s in the railway station or wherever, snap your rubber band and clear your thoughts. If you do this enough times, I think eventually you’ll be able to train your mind to not having those thoughts anymore so you can replace them with more positive thoughts that make you happier.